I am mindblowingly behind on the news

So, just discovered that early in 2008,we saw a star explode. That alone is not the crazy part.

Get this:

• The star set the world record for furthest object that can be seen from earth with the naked eye.
• The star was 40 times as big as the Sun.
• The star was 7.5 billion light years away.
• 7.5 billion miles is roughly halfway to the edge of the universe.
• For reference, one billion seconds ago, it was 1977.
• One light year equals 5.9 trillion miles.
• So, standing on earth, we are capable of seeing something 46610000000000000000000 miles away.
• The star’s explosion occurred when the universe was about half its current age.

I don’t know about you, but I am reeling in collosal amazement. Seriously, HOLY FUCK.

(If your brain is still partially intact, finish it off with this video: The Most Important Image Ever Taken)

Wikipedia For Dumbasses: The ‘How Not To Get Expelled’ Edition

Wikipedia is a literal treasure trove of information. In this day and age, where the internet is chock full of porn, meme’s, and photos of Barack Obama skateboarding and holding nunchucks in-front of a helicopter exploding , it’s a nice change to have somewhere where you can go and learn about millions and millions of things that you are actually interested in, instead of having mostly useless information force fed to you at school. However, like any hero, whether it’s human or technological, there are always haters. If I had a nickel for every authority figure that has ever told me not to use Wikipedia because it is Satan reincarnated in pure HTML form, I would have a satchel full of nickels both large and heavy enough to seriously kill someone if I was to swing it around and around in a violent manner above my head. Who would hate on Wikipedia? you might ask. Why would they try and bring down such a wonderful and knowledgeable website? Well, the answer is very simple. They are d-bags. And the d, if you didn’t know, stands for douche.

The hater’s main argument, and only real argument, is that Wikipedia is not a ‘respectable’ information source, or that it’s ‘full of lies’ simply because anyone can edit it. Well I’m here to prove them wrong, and give you the upper hand when you are doing any sort of online research assignment. Firstly, I want to show you a picture that will quite obviously both blow and boggle your mind at the same time:

You see that? Those conveniently highlighted superscript numbers enclosed in square brackets are called references, and they are here to help you! You see, it’s sad to say it, but Wikipedia isn’t 100% accurate. There are millions of stunned children around the world that can throw up any kind of crack-speak into Wikipedia, and although the Wikipedian moderators try their best to keep these garbage spewing kids out, there is undoubtedly some false information that seeps through. However, there is a surefire way to double check for this legitimacy, and it’s called references! You see, those itsy bitsy numbers are actually links. If you were to click on them, they will bring you to the very bottom of the page where you can see another link. This link, however, goes straight to a source!

That’s right folks, a source. This six-lettered ‘S’ word is something that teachers everywhere can appreciate. Basically, it gives you direct access to the article or website that the user took the information from. In other words, it’s your portal to a legit bibliography! Instead of putting down Wikipedia as your source of information, you can simply put down this other link and BAM, your teacher/professor is content.

There, that was easy wasn’t it? Now stop bitching that you failed your English paper because your teacher didn’t like that you used Wikipedia’s list of zombie films when describing the past and present Canadian funeral rites and customs.

 

This smell is a ruse!

Why is there such thing as ‘new car’ scented air fresheners? Firstly, new cars don’t smell very good – it’s like a combination of factory and robots. Secondly, why would you want to make your old car smell like it’s new? It’s obvious that you did not just buy your car, so making it smell like you did is pretty much calling yourself both a liar and an unskilled hoodwinker.

It’s like a nasty old lady wearing a skirt and fishnets. We can all see past your little tricks.

Oh, Merry Sound!

Today I saw someone run down the hallway at school. Normally an event like this wouldn’t even deserve a second thought, much less a post on one of the most esteemed blogs on the internet. However, this dude running down the hall wasn’t a normal dude, he was ULTIMATE-DEATH-METAL-FAN-DUDE!

He looked sort of like these fellows, except way more hardcore and scary. One of the differences was that the dude I saw was wearing approximately 20lbs of chains on, about, or near his body. He simply loved them! They covered his pants, his jacket, and his Cradle of Filth t-shirt. Even his big black boots were covered in chains! I would have approached him and called him Alice (link to Alice in chains), but he unfortunately ran away.

The remarkable thing about him running was that it sounded totally unlike the music he most likely enjoyed listening to. All those chains were clinking and clanging together so wonderfully that it sounded like there was no less than a DOZEN horse-drawn sleighs covered in jingle bells being pulled down the street on Christmas Eve as snow lightly powdered the ground. You can image his obvious embarrassment when he realized that his badass appearance, instead of spreading depression and moshpit tenancies, instead produced beautiful Christmas music.

I would have yelled out “Play ‘Deck the Halls’!”, but I was very afraid that he would stomp me with his giant black army boots.

Damn You Hipsters To Hell!

It’s not fucking fair.

I have never been an avid follower and worshiper of the newest styles and trends. I like my band t-shirts, jeans, and black Chuck Taylors. I’ll admit that the thought of me throwing a pair of skinny jeans on struts though my mind every now and then, but that is beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I do my best to look presentable, but i don’t go out of my way. This is exactly the reason why things are not fucking fair.

About eight years ago, the spawn of Satan that my mom refers to as the ‘optometrist’ told me that I needed a pair of glasses. I told him that he could go to hell. i would have won the battle of words, but he also told my parents who thought it would be in my best interest to get a pair. For those of you who were never 10 years old and in Elementary School, having glasses was on-par with being the kid who didn’t like recess or the guy that put glue on his sandwiches. I was a perfectly normal kid then, well liked by many of my peers, so you can obviously understand my horror and intense loathing of not only the bastard optometrist but also of my parents who practically sentenced me to social seclusion and depression.

Monday rolled along and I was on the playground with shiny new glasses hidden in my backpack, doing my best to enjoy my last game of grounder while I still had friends. When class time rolled around I unhappily withdrew the spectacles from my bag and placed them on my face. At that exact moment, every single kid turned around and looked at me, their faces contorting with laughter and their fingers pointing at my face, directing their ridicule and teasing. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.

This is why it’s not fucking fair.

Now, 8 years later, I have been redeemed. The pair of brown-framed glasses that I was reluctant to purchase are now considered ‘cool’. All those days of teasing, those intolerable recesses spent playing with the blind kids, and God-knows how many painful wedgies were now finally paid back in full. Instead of being the stupid-white-kid-who-can’t-see, I am now the stupid-white-kid-with-cool-glasses. Oh, how the heavens have blessed me! I was all smiles and sunshine for several weeks until I read an article in the University newspaper entitled ‘New Hipster Style For Fall’. After reading it, I wanted to drown a panda.

On the front page, a girl’s face accented by dark bangs and a couple piercings stared me in the face, right through a pair of FAKE GLASSES!

How fucking dare you?! I suffered through Elementary School wearing these abominations and now you, in the name of fashion, choose to wear these cheap plastic LIES on your face. The article stated:

…thick plastic glasses with removed lenses will give you a sexy ‘geek’ look, perfectly accenting your clothes and hair.

For all I cared it could have said:

…thick black glasses with removed lenses will give you a FUCK GARRET AND HIS PAINFUL CHILDHOOD.

My time to shine has finally rolled around, and it was shot down by fashion-worshipping dream-smashers. My only hope is that cowlicks come into style someday soon. Lets see those hipster kids replicate that shit.