Fortune Cookies

Free Fucking Couch

Today at approximately 19:00 Brenon and I were biking down Main St. Dalmeny and we saw a FREE FUCKING COUCH. It had a little cardboard sign on it that said FREE, so we decided to go have a sit. The second our asses touched the material, it was like heaven mixed with a moshpit with a little bit of sex thrown in. So, we hid the FREE sign under the cushion and booked it to his place to pick up his car and trailer. When we had it all hitched up, we cruised back and loaded the couch onto the trailer. At that point, the previous owner came out and told us how awesome of a couch-life that couch had had, and how happy we would be with it. We thanked him eightfold and drove across the street to the restaurant where we ate an after-supper snack with Thomas and Dallon.

Later that evening, we hung out on the couch in various places in town. We also made spectacular plans regarding the couch. These plans included:

• Adding speakers, amp, and sub and wiring a headphone jack through the cushions.
• Adding wheels onto the back for easy mobility.
• Having everyone who has sat in it sign the back.
• Making a website/blog dedicated to the modification of the couch.
• Naming the couch something awesome.

So, that was the epic part of my day. I will be covering any other couch updates, so stay tuned.

Going Down The Stairs

Lately instead of just walking down the stairs then jumping the last couple, I’ve been doing this weird thing where I turn sideways and run down the stairs 2 by 2. I don’t really know where I picked it up. It’s like I just started doing it one day without even noticing and I just realized it today. It’s pretty sweet though. I get down the stairs way faster and it looks kind of cool. I may eventually incorperate a shoulder roll into the landing. Maybe.

Superbad : Review

Ginther and I went and saw Superbad yesterday afternoon at the Galaxy. We were originally planning to see The Simpsons Movie, but traffic was a bitch so we missed it. We walked into the dark theater just in time to see the badass Resident Evil: Extinction trailer before the movie started.Now, I’m too lazy to tell you exactly what happened in the movie, but there are a couple things that I need to say. First off, there are more swears than Snakes on a motherfucking Plane, and the words vagina, penis, cock, sex, and blowjob are used freely and without remorse. It’s not a bad thing though. Along with swears and sex words comes fucking nonstop hilarity that brought many tears to my eyes. If you love Super Troopers combined with Wedding Crashers, you’ll fucking adore this movie.

Also, if you eventually go to the movie, you NEED to stay in and watch the credits. As the names of people scroll across the screen, the background is where the humor is. I can’t tell you what it is due to the fact that it would ruin the funniest part of the movie, but it’s definitely worth the extra 5 minutes of sitting.

One of the weirdest things by far of that movie was the fact that there was a fucking 85 year-old grandma sitting 2 seats away from me. I almost cringed when they would talk about vaginas and cocks just because I knew that any moment the old lady would storm out of the theater, muttering to herself about the blasphemous film content. But to my surprise, she toughed out the whole movie, and I heard her laughing along with Ginther and I during even the most badass parts.

So, overall I thought the movie kicked a shitload of ass. If I get the chance, I would go to the Galaxy and watch it again.

The Low Riding Van

So there I was, driving down the highway toward Dalmeny with Chelsey in the passenger seat. I have the cruise set at about 122km/h, and I’m slowly weaving in and out of the traffic. After passing a couple vehicles, I notice a van behind me that’s passing everyone that I do, but never passing me. The more people I passed, the more people he passed. After about 15-20 minutes of this, I decided that he would be my highway driving teammate. I’m driving a Buick Terazza, and he’s driving something that looked like Brenon’s Chevy Venture. Together, we were two vans on an epic journey down the highway.

Eventually, he pulled into the left lane to pass. It hurt in my heart for a moment, because I knew that my partner was leaving me, but I felt strong that we had lasted this long. As he inched past me going 124km/h, I noticed that he was hauling a literal van-full of shit. There was boxes, cases, bottles, packages and pretty much every other container imaginable in that little green minivan of his. As astonished as I was, I was not ready for what I saw once he switched back into the right lane ahead of me.

Strapped on top of two bikes at the back of the van were two sickly yellow laundry baskets, held in place with rope. I had to lean back in my leather seat to fully comprehend the packing wizard that was driving the van ahead of me. ‘Simply stunning’ I thought to myself. Then, as if I wasn’t amazed enough, I noticed that his van full of possibly contraband caused it to ride extremely low. And by extremely low, I meant EXTREMELY LOW. After scouring Google and Flickr for about half an hour, I still had not found a single picture of a van that resembled the one we saw. Instead, I will try and describe the low-ness.

Look at your keyboard right now. The distance from the ground to the bottom of the van’s exhaust pipe is roughly the equivalent of the distance from your ‘Q’ key to your spacebar. So low that one tiny bump could prove disastrous.

So once the van was ahead of me, I was determined to stay behind it. This van had ‘Accident’ written all over it, and I wanted to make sure I was there when it happened. As the overloaded vehicle traversed bumps and dips, we watched as the exhaust pipe bounced precariously close to the road. Silently we both prayed that the van would encounter a speed bump, or even some roadkill.

However, our unwaivering attention didn’t pay off. When we arrived at the Langham turn-off, the van continued going forward to its destination. As we turned onto the empty road, we sat in silence; our hearts filled with a massive feeling of complete let-down.

If anything, this journey has taught me that a highway driving teammate is fun to have, and watching him almost bottom out his van is even funner.