Rejected Children’s Books

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

I found this list and I was laughing out loud as I read it, so I thought I would post it for you to enjoy. My favorites are 3, 7, 14, 16, 17, and 28.

Hilarious!

Original article

Decontamination!

The front door of my house used to have this neat little wooden, decorative thing on it, but recently it has broken and fallen off. I was most upset when this happened since a.) I liked the way it looked, and b.) I knew I would have to help to fix it, and I really don’t like working, especially on the weekend.

So, today my mom told me that she bought some paint for the door that would cover up the old paint that was under the broken wooden thing, and I needed to help her cover the door with plastic so that she could paint the door inside without sacrificing everyone’s warmth. So, I had to first cover the door with a blanket, then with a layer of super-tough plastic. Once I was finished, I was reminded of the movie E.T. when the government people came to Drew Barrymore’s house and had covered it all with plastic and high-tech stuff like that. So, I grabbed a Sharpie and did a little modification to our new temporary door:

 

I thought it was funny, but mom looked horrified that other people would think we were infected with some kind of disease.

OMG GERMS!

There are a million things that really make me mad in life. I try and be optimistic about them, and try my best not to let them bug me. Today, however, as I was browsing blogs, I came upon this one:

Are Your Children Bringing Home Germs From School?

Immediately, without even clicking the link, a little flame shot up inside of me. Hesitantly, I clicked the link and read most of the following article. Once I was finished, I felt as if the person who wrote it was cheating the life out of children everywhere.

When I was a kid, things were way different then they are today. My parents NEVER worried about me bringing germs home from school. Hell, I rarely washed with soap unless I had to, and I tried my best to dodge baths as often as I could. And with all those germs in my system, how did I turn out? FUCKING FINE.

Kids are supposed to be in contact with germs and dirt because that is what helps to build their immune system up nice and strong. A kid with no contact with germs, dirt, and whatever else kids are supposed to be getting into would be very, very unhealthy if they were suddenly released into the world. If you don’t develop immunities when you’re young, you get shitkicked by sickness when you get older.

I’m almost 17 and I know this. My mom let me play outside at the park in the sand all day. The same sand that dogs play in, people with muddy shoes walk in, and who knows what else. I even used to eat DOGFOOD when I was a kid for fuck sakes. I didn’t windup dead of a germ-infested body. In fact, my immune system is so robust it makes the governor of California look like a teenage girl. Seriously, I get sick only about twice a year, that’s it.

People wonder why kids now a days have allergies out the ass and always seem to be suffering from some kind of virus. It’s because you don’t let them play in the dirt! Let your kids be kids and stop worrying about them making it past Kindergarten. They’re going to be okay.

(For added emphasis, check out the comment I left on the site.)

An Overdue Explanation

I will assume that you have all noticed that the URL to my blog begins with youlookjewish, and I have recently changed the blog title to the same space-free phrase. To fully explain the story, I have to start at the beginning.

Once upon a time, many years ago, I had straight hair. Well, not exactly straight, but slightly wavy. Much different than the hair of today. Things were good back then. Friends were plentiful, the summers were warm, the winters mild, and gas was only $.80 a liter. Back then, this is what my hair looked like:

As you can see, it was neat, well combed, and even though it may not be the current style, it was decent as far as hair styles go.

But now, as the years have passed, I’ve watched my hair plot and plan against me, and slowly but surely, transform itself from the virgin, untouched angel-hair of the past into a rebellious, bastard-son of the devil hairstyle that would leave even the most hardcore truckers in shock.

Every morning I wake up only to fight an ongoing battle that never seems to come to a conclusion. Give or take a couple of small details, this is pretty much what my hair looks like nowadays:

There it is; a curly unkempt mess of hair that sits atop my head every day. This is where the ‘youlookjewish’ part comes in. I was unaware of this, but it seems that the hairstyle that I sport is commonly referred to as a ‘jewfro’. Don’t ask me why, but that’s the way it is. It only took one classmate at school to realize this before all hell broke loose. The next day, the jew-jokes were flying from every direction. Not offensive jokes, but simple ones like “Hey, what are jew doing?” or “Jew have funny hair.”. They were the kind of remarks that cut right to heart. I was left confused, disoriented, and disheartened.

After the first couple weeks, the jokes sort of tapered off, but every now and then I get hit with another one right when I’m least expecting it. I must admit, however, it’s definitely not the worst thing I could get made fun of, so I should be grateful for that.

So, that is how my hairstyle is linked with the URL and title of my blog. I apologize if there is any Jewish people out there that were offended by the name of my blog, because it wasn’t meant that way. Seriously.

Return To The Castle-Ages?

I can’t help but think that we are at the peak of our technological and social advancements on the ‘graph of life’. I often worry myself by imagining that if the world all of a sudden went into some kind of reverse-history scenario where there is no oil or anything left, and the world is so helpless without it, that things would almost ‘go back in time’.

I can picture it now. All the houses and buildings that were once the pinnacle of business and structure are now mostly abandoned except for a handful of people that use it for shelter. The government we know and love (maybe not love) is gone and replaced with a barbaric system of government that is neither fair nor just. All electronic equipment is mostly useless due to the lack of oil which is the cause of most of our electricity. To simplify it, it’s like we’ve gone back hundreds and hundreds of years to the Castle-Ages, where blacksmiths and bakers replace mass-produced goods, and wars are fought with foot soldiers and warriors on horseback, not atom bombs and fighter jets.

If this ever happened, I would for sure become a hired assassin, or ninja, if you will. It’s scary to think about, but it makes me feel good that I will have an occupation if it ever happens.