Dear obvious weight-watchers,
I can’t help but notice how my workplace has been plagued by people who think that eating a whole donut is going to bombard them with excess body fat. You unnamed defilers of sugary, doughy goodness open the box of donuts sitting on the table, then take a knife and cut your preferred donut into halves, thirds, even FOURTHS, as if eating a whole donut is going to cause raw calories to spill out of every bodily orifice and your gut to protrude out of the bottom of your shirt. C’mon, give us a break. Not only are you making yourself look like those paranoid calorie counters who have to measure out the amount of skim milk they pour into their Special K, but it ruins the donut-eating experience for the rest of us as well. Put yourselves in our position.
You are working in the warehouse when you hear the rumour that some kind soul has graced the lunchroom with a couple dozen donut-y treats. Happiness exuding through your skin, you practically skip your way through the warehouse and into the offices. Arriving in the lunchroom, the aroma of dough and icing tantalizes your nostrils. Mouth drooling, you stumble over to the boxes and open them like a pirate would open a chest full of booty. Your high hopes are blown to smithereens when you see that your favorite donut, the maple glazed classic, has been raped by a knife-wielding rapscallion. A once marvellous bakery creation is now torn to bits, the pieces lying at the bottom of the box, unwanted and forgotten. You finish them off to end their misery, then take a different donut and walk back to the warehouse. The donut is good, but it’s just not your favorite. You spend the rest of the day silently cursing whoever destroyed something so beautiful, and promising that you will return the revengeful favour, no matter what cost.
I understand that you care about your body. It’s normal to want to eat healthy and shy away from junk food and other sinful delights. However, you have to take into consideration that it’s one fucking donut. You’re not overweight because you eat a donut once a week when someone happens to bring them to work. You’re overweight because you sit on the couch at home and eat bags upon bags of Doritos, washed down by a 2L of Mountain Dew instead of actually watching and taking part in those workout videos that you bought 3 years ago.
