It’s not fucking fair.

I have never been an avid follower and worshiper of the newest styles and trends. I like my band t-shirts, jeans, and black Chuck Taylors. I’ll admit that the thought of me throwing a pair of skinny jeans on struts though my mind every now and then, but that is beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I do my best to look presentable, but i don’t go out of my way. This is exactly the reason why things are not fucking fair.

About eight years ago, the spawn of Satan that my mom refers to as the ‘optometrist’ told me that I needed a pair of glasses. I told him that he could go to hell. i would have won the battle of words, but he also told my parents who thought it would be in my best interest to get a pair. For those of you who were never 10 years old and in Elementary School, having glasses was on-par with being the kid who didn’t like recess or the guy that put glue on his sandwiches. I was a perfectly normal kid then, well liked by many of my peers, so you can obviously understand my horror and intense loathing of not only the bastard optometrist but also of my parents who practically sentenced me to social seclusion and depression.

Monday rolled along and I was on the playground with shiny new glasses hidden in my backpack, doing my best to enjoy my last game of grounder while I still had friends. When class time rolled around I unhappily withdrew the spectacles from my bag and placed them on my face. At that exact moment, every single kid turned around and looked at me, their faces contorting with laughter and their fingers pointing at my face, directing their ridicule and teasing. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.

This is why it’s not fucking fair.

Now, 8 years later, I have been redeemed. The pair of brown-framed glasses that I was reluctant to purchase are now considered ‘cool’. All those days of teasing, those intolerable recesses spent playing with the blind kids, and God-knows how many painful wedgies were now finally paid back in full. Instead of being the stupid-white-kid-who-can’t-see, I am now the stupid-white-kid-with-cool-glasses. Oh, how the heavens have blessed me! I was all smiles and sunshine for several weeks until I read an article in the University newspaper entitled ‘New Hipster Style For Fall’. After reading it, I wanted to drown a panda.

On the front page, a girl’s face accented by dark bangs and a couple piercings stared me in the face, right through a pair of FAKE GLASSES!

How fucking dare you?! I suffered through Elementary School wearing these abominations and now you, in the name of fashion, choose to wear these cheap plastic LIES on your face. The article stated:

…thick plastic glasses with removed lenses will give you a sexy ‘geek’ look, perfectly accenting your clothes and hair.

For all I cared it could have said:

…thick black glasses with removed lenses will give you a FUCK GARRET AND HIS PAINFUL CHILDHOOD.

My time to shine has finally rolled around, and it was shot down by fashion-worshipping dream-smashers. My only hope is that cowlicks come into style someday soon. Lets see those hipster kids replicate that shit.